Focus & Environment
ADHD people-pleasing: make "no" your default
As you get more reliable, people ask you for more. A strong default of no, backed by your own pre-written template, protects your time from novelty you'll regret saying yes to.
disclaimer: these posts are not medical advice and provided as information only, with no guarantees
As you get better at herding your chickens, people start noticing. They see you as more reliable, more helpful, more consistent. That's a good thing. But it comes with a risk: they start asking you for more.
It could be coworkers, family, anyone else in your life. Because you're feeling more productive, more in control, you'll be tempted to say yes, especially when the request is genuinely interesting and lines up with your priorities. The right answer, almost always, is no. Here's why.
Most opportunities that land on your desk carry some novelty, and people with ADHD are especially drawn to novelty. Without an active plan to counteract that pull, your list fills up with things that seemed exciting at the time and, once the novelty wears off, turn out to be a poor fit for how you actually wanted to spend your time. That's why a strong default of no is worth building. It's easier said than done, but it gets easier with practice.
The short version
People ask for more
As you get better at herding your chickens, people see you as more reliable. They start asking you for more.
Novelty pulls you in
Most opportunities carry some novelty, and people with ADHD are especially drawn to novelty.
Default no
The right answer, almost always, is no. Yes is for what's genuinely aligned with your goals, your values, your aspirations.
A template
A pre-written way of saying no in your drafts folder. Writing one takes about a minute.
There are many ways to say no, and they all amount to the same thing: not right now, I'm not the right person for this, or I need more information. That last one is especially useful if you're genuinely unsure and want more information, with the plan of saying no once you have it.
Make saying no automatic
Defaulting to no frees you up to say yes only to what's genuinely aligned with your goals, your values, your aspirations. In practice, most requests land by email these days, so the easiest tool is a template: your own pre-written, automatic way of saying no, with a couple of details filled in. Writing one takes about a minute, and keeping it in your drafts folder saves you from typing it out from scratch every time.
I won't write the template for you, but here are two places to start. Greg McKeown's How to Say No Gracefully is a good example of what a no-repertoire can look like. If you want to go deeper, William Ury has written an entire book on the art: The Power of a Positive No. Either way, it works best once you've turned it into your own words. The important thing is that the moment a request lands, you already know your automatic response is no.
If you're not at your computer when a request comes in, add it as a task in the Herding Chickens app so you don't forget to deal with it. If you haven't got the app yet, sign up for the waiting list.
The first version is Telegram for the waitlist. There isn't a store download yet. Join the waitlist if you want a launch email.
Keep reading
- ADHD impulsive emails: turn on delay send
- With ADHD, dropping tasks from a long to-do list is a win
- ADHD one task at a time: why only one main
- ADHD time blindness: notice the clock without killing hyperfocus
- ADHD task paralysis: break it down instead of “just do it”
- ADHD inner critic: why a two-minute win still counts
- Welcome to the Herding Chickens blog
- More on Focus & Environment
Herding Chickens is a productivity app in development, not medical advice, therapy, or an ADHD diagnosis. If you are struggling, talk to a qualified clinician. In the UK, start with the NHS ADHD in adults page.